I’m whipped for WIPs

I think I’m a work in progress. I try time and time again to turn myself into the most complete version of me: to compress the many versions of my existence, my many stories, into one compelling and ultimate version of me. How do I do that? Well, I review every bit of me, I put myself through trial and error, and I see myself the way others see me. I hate being a work in progress though. Why can’t I love the work as-is?

I’ve been taught not to love myself at my current phase. I was taught not to love myself at my previous phase and the one before that. I have doubted myself in the past just as I doubt myself now. Can the trecherous hands of comparison leave my mind as it was when I was born: unexposed to reality. But no, I allow comparison to hold me tight and to never let go. I dive deep into the fantasy of other lifestyles and compare it to my own reality. Fantasy, reality, the two can never sit together.

~~I think I’m a work in progress.~~ I’m an eternal-work-in-progress. There may be days where I’m content with who I am and where I am, but can I ever rid my thirst for perfection? Where would I be without it? I would be living aimlessly, I suppose. No direction, no goals, no healing, no moving on, and no fresh starts. But all that on a regular basis is quite exhausting. It’s true that comparisons can break me down on some days, but what is it that keeps me going? Am I truly a work-in-progress or do I just believe that because of some idealistic view I have been conditioned to uphold?

I want to say, enough is enough, I need to stop being so critical of myself and just enjoy the ride, but I don’t know how to yet. I’ve never felt so helpless and so unapologetically me – how does that even work? I’ve reached milestones in my life that I’m proud of, yet I’m ridden with guilt when I think of the unchecked milestones waiting for me to complete. When I see my peers reaching those milestones I have yet to run for, I wonder, do they feel accomplished? Do they still consider themselves a work-in-progress?

As always, I have more questions than I do answers. I know that being a work-in-progress is not a bad thing, life is, after all, all about progress. But my goodness, will there ever be a time when I can just say, my work here is complete. I’m starting to sound existential, aren’t I?

Your everyday girl,

Sara