Your Everyday Girl

It was just a dream, yet weeks have passed, and I still can’t stop thinking about it.

I dreamed I was holding a baby girl. I kissed her little cheeks, as if my only mission in life was to give her all my love, even if it meant leaving none for myself. Waking up from that dream was bittersweet, and thinking about it now brings up a flood of emotions.

I was sitting in a café with my mom, explaining my dream to her when I started tearing up. She asked me why I was crying, and I told her that’s just how I am. I tried hard not to attract attention, but the guy running a meeting from his laptop across the room noticed me. Whatever, I thought to myself; I’ve seen worse in public.

I managed to stop my tears because I didn’t want to disturb anyone more than I already had. Unable to continue on that topic, we switched to discussing something else.

But what I really wanted to express was this…

It hurts to think that I may not have children in this life. No name to pass down, no little hand to hold, no first steps to witness, no angsty teenage years to navigate, no memories to share, no brilliant child to brag about, no lessons to teach, and no complete understanding of a parent’s love.

I’ve told myself that having children may not be in my future, but that thought sometimes burns. It’s as if I’m mourning a life that may never happen—is that even possible? Perhaps it was the dream that affected me, or maybe it’s the influence of tradition, the realization that I might grow old without grandchildren, or the fact that I’m on my cycle and my emotions are heightened.

I’m not sure if it’s societal pressure, but I sometimes feel left out of the motherhood club. I love my current life, but it’s strange to consider that I may never become a mother. I hope I’m just experiencing an intense version of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).

And being a parent isn’t easy. I won’t lie; the responsibility of raising a child scares me. The thought of needing to be constantly present for my child fills me with paranoia. I worry that I won’t be able to achieve all the other goals I not only dream about but fantasize over.

Maybe we aren’t meant to fulfill every expectation our parents had or replicate the lives of those we see on social media. Comparison is a silent killer, and doubt clouds our minds. I think I’m better off focusing on myself and directing my energy toward the people I love.

At the end of the day, my greatest anchor is me. I could sail endlessly on these thoughts, but I must remember to prioritize my present self. If I’m meant to have a child one day, then perhaps I will. If it’s not in the cards, then it’s not. I can only follow the currents that move for me. I refuse to continue sacrificing my current state for the unknown.

Your everyday girl,

-Sara

P.S I have been drinking my iced sunny almond vanilla coffee almost every day. It feels so good to have that back in my life again.