Your Everyday Girl

I’ve been a bit obsessed with the Daredevil series lately. My sister and I watched the second season in one day. The binge definitely left us feeling drained late Saturday evening, but I just couldn’t find the energy to do anything else.

Some days you need a break from life.

The night before we were at a dinner and I started yawning as we were paying for the bill. I felt silly so I said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, yawning so early in the evening.” The waiter responded, “No, there’s nothing wrong with you – it’s been a long week.”

I looked up at him and said, “That’s so true,” and it was. Not only this week, but the past month has been weighing on me. It’s as if I’m stuck under a boulder and it’s just impossible to get up from underneath it. Can I get back up again? Do I even want to?

So I stayed there under the boulder. I couldn’t get up and for a while I didn’t even want to try.

Work’s been tough, life has thrown hurdles my way, my Cervical Dystonia has been acting up, and recent world news/events have been hard to witness. On top of all that, I’m pretty sure we’re dealing with a recession in Canada. I still buy my iced lattes though and so does everyone else. We have such pricey coping mechanisms.

What does a girl do when everything feels like it’s falling apart? You would obviously want to escape your own world and dive into another. Daredevil was the escape.

It’s a dark show for Marvel. Matt Murdock is our protagonist: a struggling (and smart) lawyer by day and “vigilante” by night. He’s not the type of superhero to kill criminals (sort of like Batman). He generally believes that justice can only be served if criminals are faced with the law.

Then we have Wilson Fisk, Matt’s archenemy. Fisk is king of the criminal underworld, a strong and cunning man, leader of the corruption and chaos in New York. There are many times when he is two steps ahead of our hero, but that does not mean that Matt gives up a fight. Imagine the competitive and long standing relationship between Batman and The Joker, that’s what Matt Murdock and Wilson Fisk are like. And Fisk does not go easy on Matt.

Matt Murdock and Wilson Fisk are two characters you will consistently see throughout the Daredevil series, along with Matt’s friends, Foggy Nelson and Karen Page. Two of his good friends who deal with the twists and turns of Matt’s turbulent lifestyle along with their own inner turmoil from both past and present issues.

Oh and if you aren’t aware, Matt is blind. He grew up in an orphanage because his dad was killed when he was young. His mom was dealing with post partum depression after his birth, so she left them and went back to church to continue on as a nun.

While I was binge-watching the episodes in a frenzy, I realized that there is more to this show than action and drama. I was leaning into the lessons Matt Murdock and his friends presented in every episode. I found myself glued to the couch, watching Matt try to take down Fisk, evade the police, fight criminals, navigate past trauma, and manage relationships. Here I was just trying to get through the days, convincing myself that my everyday coffee would somehow make things better.

Wilson Fisk may be his archnemesis, but throughout the show Matt is also at war with himself (and he’s at war with Daredevil). Staying true to yourself in a multifaceted world can do that to you.

There was some time in season 3, when Matt was struggling with his faith (he’s a Catholic) after he had lost Elektra at the end of The Defenders (another Marvel show). He returns broken and distant from his identity.

It takes Matt until the end of season three to come to terms with his hero persona and to not allow any goodness to be taken from him. Once Matt has Wilson Fisk exactly where he wants him, he tells him, “You don’t get to destroy who I am.” When Matt shouts those words into existence, he was taking a stand for himself. In that moment, he had become an advocate for his own wellbeing. Matt has found himself once again and no amount of personal pain (and no enemy) can take that from him.

It was hellish to watch Matt grow from his personal flaws and inner demons to the final episode in season 3 where he reaches his truth.

I’ve been struggling with my own issues. There are some particular relationships which have hurt me and have tested my trust and patience, these unclosed chapters make it hard to want to open new ones. There are days when I wrestle with my own doubt, especially now that I have Cervical Dystonia it adds this extra thick layer to that doubt. My imposter syndrome warms me like a weighted blanket.

There are days when I look in the mirror and ask myself, is this all I am and all I’m going to be? Am I enough for my loved ones? Or am I too much?

I’m fighting with the things that have become a part of my existence. I’m picking at the wounds that have been sewn into my skin, hoping to undo past mistakes, but I end up unraveling them instead. I’m back-tracking to moments that changed me – moments that have branched out new versions of me. Who would I be today if I did not go through these trials? Now that I am who I am, do I have what it takes to get closer to who I want to be?

Here is something I do know: if I remove the threads of my past from my skin, the scars will still remain.

I’m sure I don’t have it as hard as Matt does, but I like to think that I can too grasp on to goodness again and not let go of my identity because of my past experiences or my current pains. I do like the me who is good, kind, strong, sensitive, and believes in humanity.

Matt Murdock did say, “I can’t change the past, but I can stop making the same mistake.” We all have to deal with the consequences of our choices and every choice has an outcome. The question is, what choice will you choose to see through? There is no right or wrong, but what you choose will define you as a person. If Matt can choose to believe in himself again, then maybe I can too.

It would be a mistake to consistently question my own identity and run away from my problems. I’m not a perfect human, but I like to think I’m a good and kind one—someone who is a friend, someone who never backs away from helping another, someone who doesn’t give up because it’s hard.

Diminishing who I am would undermine all the years I have spent becoming myself. And maybe I’m just in my season 3 Daredevil era, trying to figure it all out.

I was looking for an escape from me and from life, I just didn’t expect to find myself locked into a show about failure, strength, and redemption – a show to inspire me to start over and to believe in who I am.

Thanks to Daredevil, I decided to get back up again.

Your everyday girl,

-Sara

P.S If you are watching the show then let me know what you think.

P.P.S Foggy Nelson and Karen Page are amazing friends, they’ve inspired me to see friendship through a different lens. They’ve had hard times too.