Your Everyday Girl

Anything in life can be a mess.

My pile of clothes waiting to be picked up and washed is a mess; the dishes sitting in the sink are a mess, my bills waiting to be paid are a mess; and my life as a 34-year-old living with her parents feels like a confused mess.

It’s currently raining outside and my somber thoughts have decided to visit. Vancouver rain knows how to eat away at you.

My life truly is a mess. The life I had envisioned for myself at 34 is the complete opposite of what I am living. I find each step I take in life adds to my relentless mess. My past decisions have led me here. I moved to Montreal in 2022 and that move still haunts me. Was it right to come back to Vancouver or was it wrong to have moved there in the first place? Then we have my terrible (and pretty much non-existent) dating life which astounds me and my career choices which are beginning to concern me. And in typical Sara fashion, I sit with myself wondering why I was ever diagnosed with Cervical Dystonia. I know I shouldn’t dwell on it, but how did it even happen and why me?

Whatever I do in life, I feel like I get bit in the ass for it. I could be making the greatest decision I have ever made, but time will try to make it a learning lesson instead. With time I learn that there are other decisions or paths that I could have taken, but I chose the decision that made me happy instantaneously or maybe the easy way out.

Life lessons are great; how could we ever grow if we don’t learn from our mistakes? But I’m tired of mistakes. I just want a decision to be right, and that’s that. No lessons, no fallbacks, no reflections—just me wearing a gold medal on the podium, thanking myself for making the best decision ever made in my lifetime, period.

So, I sit in my mess and it consumes me. I’m a fool in the trenches of my mess.

Why clean up? Why be cautious? Why bother with responsibility? Why do I even think about correcting my mistakes? Why do I care about it all so much?

It’s exactly that isn’t it? That I care so much. I wouldn’t be thinking over decisions and re-thinking about past decisions unless there is a part of me that wants to learn so that I can take better care of myself, my life, my morals, my values, my self-worth, and my long-term happiness. I ponder in the darkest of days so that my brightest days are fulfilling and vibrant for as long as humanly possible. I care because life has given me one chance to live it and I just don’t want it to go to waste.

The mess I’ve made and the mess that follows me is my mess. It is a part of my every step and I know that if I want out then all I have to do is clean up. The dishes and laundry are the easy part, the rest may take some time, but it’s not impossible.

I’ll never be able to take back my decisions. If time machines existed, then I probably would have used them a thousand times by now, so thank goodness they don’t because I would never live life in the moment. Plus, a time machine would most likely be a highly expensive subscription that my pocket could never afford.

Nowadays, before I make a decision I ask myself four important questions:

1. Does this choice impact my health in any way?
2. Does this choice require compromise?
   • If it requires compromise, what areas of my life or myself will be required to adapt or change?
3. Does this choice only alleviate my feelings in the present moment?
4. Will this choice add to my overall happiness?

And just as I am typing out the final words in this post, the sun has decided to join us and the trees seem happy about it too. My city can be so toxic sometimes.

Are there any questions you think of before making a decision?

Your everyday girl,

Sara