Your Everyday Girl

I’ve been battling a lot of my own inner turmoil while trying to stay sane both on the inside and out. You should see how I look; I don’t care about matching my clothes, I don’t care about makeup, and I don’t even care about the multiple breakouts on my face. I am living in my Reebok sweats, which are the crappiest sweats I own. Quality is no longer a feat for these big brands, is it? I think I’ve reached my limit, and then I try to push it further, but I end up pulling it alongside me instead. That’s what burnout looks like.

So, I tell myself that if I don’t physically take myself out of this hole, then there’s no knowing how long I’m going to be stuck in it. I could take a trip; I’ll feel better for about a few weeks, but that sense of hyper-responsibility, structure, routine, and anxiety will all tiptoe back to me, latching itself onto all that it can. Where positive energy flows, negative energy will try to follow; that is, in my experience anyway.

I’m slightly trapped in this loop. A loop of infinite confusion. I can be happy, but I’m also quite quick to fall into darkness. I try to stay uplifted, but it is exceptionally hard these days. I might as well come out with it: I’ve been dealing with cervical dystonia, a neurological condition, since my mid-20s. You may not have heard of it, mostly because it is rare. Essentially, it’s a tremor. A tremor that I experience regularly when the brain is sending too many signals to one side of my neck muscle, which then tends to push my head to the right repeatedly.

With any brief conversation (when I say brief, I mean like the short lived exchange of communication with a cashier at your local grocery store), you may not notice it, but if I have to speak for long periods of time, play a video game, get my professional photos taken, or even take a selfie, my head will experience multiple tremors. It’s not that I’m nervous; I’m really not a nervous person, and I truly do enjoy speaking to people. Sadly, this tremor is what I’ve been dealing with for about ten years and it isn’t expected to just go away. This is just the first time I’m bringing it to light. Exercise is not impossible, thankfully, but any period of high stress can tend to increase the shaking, which means caffeine can exacerbate it, and so can improper sleep or a poor diet.

So, guess what I was doing all of last week? Eating donuts, dining on pasta, drinking coffee and martinis, and playing Borderlands 3 with my good friend because I love that freaking game. I even did a HIIT workout over the weekend (I used to do these probably 3-4 times per week) because I thought, why the fuck not? If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, am I right? I might as well commit to all the sins while I’m at it (these are definitely not high on the sin level, but detrimental to my health apparently).

Some mornings I wake up utterly pissed, other mornings I wake up thinking that I’ve got this. It’s hard to see myself not at my best because I’ve always imagined that I could do anything and everything, but most days I do feel defeated. My tremors makes me feel less of a person.

My last sentence just made me pause for a moment; that made me highly emotional.

I can’t even sit still while watching T.V without my head involuntarily turning to the right. I know many have noticed it, because I have received many comments on it as well. But my motto has always been to keep going and to not give up. I’ll never give up on me; even on my worst days, I’ll remember to come back to me once more.

Once upon a time at a family dinner many moons ago, I expressed how hard college was for me and how little sleep I had during that time, and a family member immediately said, “Why don’t you give up? It’s not worth it,” and I was stunned. I truly believe a lot of people want to see you trip and then fall. Sometimes it’s strangers, but most of the time, it’s your relatives who make absurd comments. I never responded in that moment; I was not for confrontation at the time, but I remember thinking to myself, “Are you crazy?” Giving in is one thing, but giving up when I had come so far would only be a disservice to myself and all of my hard work.

Now fast forward to today, I am not throwing in the towel on my health just because I spiraled last week and indulged in the things I love. I’ll constantly have to deal with my cervical dystonia because there is no cure, but I will remain mindful and as healthy as possible for as long as I can. So, I do feel like a huge mess of a woman who is dealing with burnout, anxiety, my tremors, and my never-ending desire to be better and do better, but amidst the chaos, I won’t forget to live a little, too. If you happen to experience cervical dystonia or any type of tremors, I know it’s not easy, but I see you, understand you, and you aren’t alone.

Your everyday girl,

Sara

P.S., on a light-hearted note, if you live in Vancouver, be sure to visit Robba Da Matti (any of their restaurants). Their pasta was extremely delicious; I forgot how delicious it was since it had been a while since I last visited. I didn’t get the greatest shots that night, but the experience was 10/10.